all that’s left is to lay down and take the stray bullets that are coming my way. and pray that one of first few will just finish me.
I cant even fight the tears anymore. It is hitting me just how much time I have wasted being nothing but a worthless fucking junkie. I wish this was all just a bad, bad dream and that I could just wake up and know that I still have a life worth living. This isn’t fucking living, this is the most painful suicide anyone could ever commit. No one understands how much this hurts. It is ruining all the hope I have for anything in my future, now the only thing I know that is guaranteed is that I am going to die just as broken as I have been the last seven years. If I had known that things would turn out the way they did I would have done everything in my power to fight the hands this addiction has gripped around my waist, constantly pulling, trying to get me to just give in. Well, here I am. I don’t think I have anything left for it too take other then the breath from my lungs. Are you going to be happy then, you fucking sick demon? No one deserves this. I even know at the end of it that I could have been all the things I had envisioned for the future if I hadn’t stopped trying to fight off this addiction as hard as I used too, but I just got so fucking tired. I could have given it so much more then, now that I really have nothing I feel as if I couldn’t go back and give it my everything and more then I thought I had in myself no matter how much I desperately want too. I just wanted to make my parents proud, I just wanted to always be the good friend. The big sister too look up too. I never wanted to let anyone down and now it seems that’s all I do. The only time I ever seem to be able to escape this demon is right after I feed it, but I know it will be back sooner then it left. I am so, so fucking afraid. More then I ever have been in my entire life. I should have never let that bastard who decided to take me away thrust by thrust take absolutely everything I had inside of me. But I guess when you feel that broken you ll do anything to get rid of the pain. But now I am left here with more pain and sorrow then I had before. I wish I had known that this wouldn’t fix anything. I have let him win, I surrendered, flew the white flag and thought that I really was worthless, because who truly has anything good left inside after their spirit is killed by someone who had no right to take any part of them at all. Im never going to understand why things happen the way they do, but one thing I do know now is not everyone has anything close to what they dreamed of as being a little child. I never even wanted anything that was too much too ask for or unrealistic. I wanted to live my life taking appreciation of the small things most people don’t pay attention too. I just wanted to stand in a forest in silence and admire the beauty of how the wind moves in the trees. I wanted to watch the ripple of the water across a lake. I wanted to hear birds singing back and forth to one another. I never wanted to end up living my life in what is pretty much hiding from the world, only leaving where I live to get the drugs to make me not feel so sick. Just knowing I am never going to be able to experience any of the gifts the World really does give, all because I let everything that was against me get the best of me and believe all the shit that was fed into my head and ultimately convinced with my own thoughts. At the end of it there is no one to blame but myself. I gave up the last bit of fight I had left inside of me, I just didn’t think It would be gone without returning for as long as it has been. It really must have been the last bit.. for some reason I thought there would always still be a little piece of it there, but I guess just like the things I had looked forward to having as a child for my future, that last bit of fight has been completely taken away for good too.
It has been so long since I have wrote that I don’t even know where to start. Everything in my life right now is in a complete spiral of chaos and im terrified of the future, more then I ever have been. I never thought that so much could change in just one year. Not only around me, but inside me too. I feel like I am fighting with the last bit of my strength to hold onto even the smallest fragment of who I used too be. I didn’t think I would ever want to be any part of who I was, but compared to how much I have changed and morphed into this monster that I now realize I have become, having even the slightest bit of who I used to be would be better then anything that I have become. I go days without looking in the mirror, I think its because I really am scared of the person who will look stare back at me. Maybe it will make things feel that much more real. The only thing I find peace with and contentment is seeing the blood rush into the rig, for a second everything feels okay. It feels whole again. It feels like I can take on the day, but I know without that fix everyday I have nothing to give to this World, nothing to gain in my life. Realistically im not gaining anything with continuing to leave scars of a broken heart in plane sight for the world too see on my arms, but in the moment I feel like its better then anything I could have sober. Its such a sick thought to cross my mind, but I guess that’s how fast life turns into a lie when you’re getting high to pretend everything is alright. I never wanted to turn out like this. I never thought it would honestly get this. I thought that with all the mistakes I have already made that I would smartened up by now, but I guess it only damaged me more, made it easier to do that first hit, and made it easier to continue ruining whats left of my frail body. The hate I carry around like wet garbage bags weighs on me more and more with every pathetic day that passes. I know I am never going to be able to escape this. I think I have always wanted to think I had the strength too, but maybe now im seeing that I don’t have the passion, or the feeling that I even deserve a second chance. No matter what anyone says about the person I am, I cant help but reject there kind words because I know that the person they see is all an illusion. Just smoke and mirrors, waiting for the smallest piece too crack before all the mirrors, all the lies become the only thing I have left lying around me. A million pieces I ll never able to put back together. That is when the real me will be seen, like a new born baby’s first cry. The most terrified, but pure thing. Maybe its going to take everyone I still manage too convince I have it somewhat together, too loose them, then maybe I will realize just how desperately I want to begin my life again. Im torn between knowing in my heart I don’t deserve the chance at all, and knowing how I am with giving everyone else more then one chance to make right of their wrongs.. I don’t understand why I cant even a bit of that and convince myself that its even worth a try. Im scared, and that’s the god awful fucking truth. Im scared of facing my mistakes without having something to run too whenever I feel too many emotions all rushing inside and all over me. I never thought it would be too much to feel. I never thought I would want anything else but too feel the only thing everyone on this planet shares with one another. But as I sit here at only eighteen, I feel I have already lived long past my time, I guess im just trying to hurry up the process to get out of here.. I know that trying to kill myself the way I have always tried isn’t going to take me, so why not make it as drawn out and painful as possible? after all its all I deserve after what I have done to everyone who ever told me they cared.
As I lay here at 3:30 in the morning I cant help but think about how different things are going to be in less then 12 hours. I am going to be moving back to a place that held some of my darkest times. I am going to find myself warming the cold mattress once again. I am going to call this place home. This place I never thought I was going to end up back too.
I have learned alot about life these past few months. Living in a mental health group home has taught me to bite my tongue. Face some of the most uncomfortable situations I never wanted too. I had to explore and become. I guess I have evolved. I never realized it until tonight. My last night in this bed, this room. Surrounded by all my belongings packed in garbage bags waiting for the morning. I would never take this back. As much as I did not want this life, it is what I have been given. So it is my choice to make out of it what I please. I am ready to face tomorrow. Ready to say goodbye to the people who have seen me every single day for the past seven months. Ready to go back to that place I once lived before. But instead of living in the past I am going to make this better. I am going to live for tomorrow. I am going to replace all these negative thoughts with new hope for the future, and let those goals come to light. I am tired of giving into this disease. Tired of reliving the pain from the past day after day. I am ready to wake up, take a big deep breath and be free. I am ready to become what I have always been destined to be, and I am doing it for no one but me.
Last night in this fucked up house. Is it weird im going to slightly miss it? Definitely have learned alot about myself in the seven months I have been here. As horrible as it was at times I wouldn’t change it if I could go back.
all i want to be gone. then maybe i can smile. but who am i trying to fool, that will not satisfy me once i get there.
I’ve had this blog for three years. Never thought my 400th post would be about me getting raped.
Until this day I never understood just how badly rape screws up your entire being.
I’m sore, I’m lonely and scared.
I can’t even tell anyone because the one person I told doesn’t even believe me. Who would lie about something as severe as rape? I don’t understand this. I want all of it too end. I want to get so fucked up on drugs I forget who I am.